Relationships are complex and multifaceted, impacted by emotions, personality traits, and past experiences. Sometimes, these intricacies can give rise to controlling behaviours, where one partner attempts to dominate another's choices, actions, or freedoms. To foster healthier relationships and better understand human dynamics, it’s important to explore the reasons behind such controlling tendencies.
Early life experiences play a significant role
The foundation of most behavioural patterns, including controlling tendencies, is often rooted in early life experiences. Childhood environments that lacked stability, affection, or predictability can shape an individual into feeling unsafe or powerless. To compensate, they might develop a strong need to control their surroundings and, as they enter adulthood, this can translate into controlling behaviours within their relationships. These actions are often not malicious but are an attempt to cope with underlying insecurities and regain a sense of stability.
For instance, individuals who grew up witnessing controlling parents may internalise these behaviours as normal or feel it is the only way to maintain order in their personal lives. Such ingrained attitudes can persist unless actively recognised and addressed.
Fear of abandonment fuels control
For many, the fear of being left or abandoned can act as a driving force for controlling actions. This fear often stems from attachment issues developed in childhood or previous traumatic relationship experiences. Controlling behaviours can become a defence mechanism, as individuals try to ensure their partner remains close and committed by dictating their actions or decisions.
This often manifests subtly at first—such as setting boundaries on who a partner can talk to or where they can go—but it can escalate over time. While these measures might stem from a need for reassurance, they often have the opposite effect, potentially creating distance and resentment in the relationship.
Low self-esteem and insecurity contribute
A lack of confidence in oneself is another significant cause of controlling behaviour in relationships. People with low self-esteem often feel unworthy of love and affection, leading them to doubt their partner's commitment or loyalty. To suppress these feelings of inadequacy, they may try to control their partner's behaviour as a way to avoid perceived rejection or betrayal.
This behaviour can also act as a mirror to internal struggles. Instead of confronting their own insecurities or flaws, the controlling individual shifts focus outward, attempting to exert power over their partner to regain a sense of superiority or competence.
External societal and cultural influences
Sometimes, controlling behaviours are shaped by societal norms or cultural attitudes that endorse dominance in relationships. For example, traditional gender roles in many societies might reinforce the idea that one partner (often the male) holds decision-making power over the other (often the female). These dynamics are not inherently healthy but are perpetuated regardless, sometimes subconsciously.
This type of control isn’t always rooted in fear or insecurity but rather in learned behaviour. Challenging these societal constructs and promoting open, respectful partnerships can help combat the normalisation of control within relationships.
Underlying mental health issues
Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, or personality disorders can also contribute to controlling tendencies. Anxiety, in particular, can amplify the need for control due to a heightened fear of uncertainty or change in the relationship. Similarly, personality disorders, such as narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, can lead to behaviours where individuals seek to dominate their partner’s actions.
It’s essential to approach these situations with compassion. While these issues do not excuse harmful behaviour, they highlight the need for understanding, support, and professional help to address the underlying causes.
Breaking the cycle of control
Addressing controlling behaviours—whether they stem from early experiences, insecurities, or mental health challenges—requires self-awareness and a willingness to change. Open communication between partners is vital, as it allows for mutual understanding and the opportunity to address concerns without resorting to control. Seeking professional counselling or therapy can also be a powerful tool, offering strategies to overcome insecurities, build trust, and foster healthier relationship dynamics.
It’s equally important for those on the receiving end of control to set boundaries and prioritise their emotional well-being. If the controlling behaviour becomes harmful or abusive, seeking help from trusted individuals or support organisations is crucial.
Final thoughts on understanding controlling behaviours
While controlling behaviour in relationships can cause significant strain, understanding its roots is the first step towards addressing and changing it. Whether it’s rooted in past trauma, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, societal influences, or mental health issues, these patterns are not irreversible. With empathy, effort, and sometimes professional help, individuals and couples can rebuild trust and create balanced, healthy partnerships. After all, a fulfilling relationship thrives on mutual respect, shared decision-making, and the freedom to be oneself.
